2025-01-26
To preface this, my best friend 세진 who is a mathematician and physicist, wanted to try on Christianity for size. I being a supportive, loving, rational atheist, decided to accept his proposal that we "go to church this Sunday". In the spirit of trying Christianity, I suggested we go to the super-based KOREAN ORTHODOX CHURCH! I expected this experience to either turn my friend into a logic-denying 'true believer' or confirm our shared atheism. I was willing to risk our friendship over the former. This was my 'act of faith'.
Today I went with 세진 to an Orthodox church in 애오개 and boy I was in for a ride. The church was located upon a steep hill where I waited for 세진 as he arrived just in time. I saw a woman do the Christian criss cross and bow before entry, it seemed we were embarking on a serious place of worship. We walk in, cringing at each other by the entrance. 세진 stops me and says 'who wants to go in first?'. I said 'f*ck it I will', it was at this moment we were kindly interrupted by a man with no hairline asking us if we were first-timers. Mentally forgiving my profanity, he gladly showed us in. From first impressions he seemed attentive although gave off an overtly keen 'newcomers welcome' aura. Greeted with the 'welcome to the parish' energy, we stood at the closest bench and our friend was whispering in 세진s ear asking us out to lunch. 세진 wanted to go, I was already on the skeptical side to say the least. Surrounding us, a mass of churchgoers (of mostly slavic descent) with an average age of forty plus. Families who dragged their kids along, of whom it seemed only 'gods-will' was keeping them there. No one in the parish looked 'normal', everyone either had unwashed hair, a beard, a non-existant hairline or a checkered shirt. Church attire was particularly diverse, the majority wearing clothes that were more suited to a Countryfile meetup. The church walls were covered in Christian artwork in true orthodox fashion, notably the dome depicted images of the disciples with Korean inscribed on the drawings. Wood-crafted chandeleirs, metallic ornaments and of course big J on the cross at the center. This was a place of worship, no doubt.
Soon began the service, or as I would describe it a sing along game of musical chairs and hitting the christian criss cross. Up down, criss cross with bows mixed in. 세진 was flicking through the prayer book pages in a fluster, I was trying not to cringe myself into the afterlife. Amid the organised dance practice, the priest and his posse made their way around the church shaking a silver ornament secreting steam. As if the lord himself commanded it, the entire church faced the moving ornament in synchrony. Things were starting to get weird, suddenly the church lined up and left their seats in one-by-one formation. In the distance I saw a baby being fed a miraculous substance served up by the priest and posse. Members followed along taking gulps off the SAME SPOON with no one batting an eye. Three [relatively] attractive women in red cloaks revealed themselves from the staircase behind us, entering the main runway. The furthest ahead in line carrying a baby in her arms. The remaining believers lined up outside the benches with their hands on opposite shoulders (think coffin position). I witness each one of them sequentially bend down and mouth a sip of god-knows-what substance, including our new friend. Me and 세진, taken back remained in our seats. "You want to go and get blessed?" I joked, "Why don't you go?" 세진 replied. "There is no way I am drinking that sh*t", I muttered whilst feeling self-conscious about my profanity.
The singing continued (주여~ 주여~) and the red-cloaked women vanished back up the stairs out of sight. Everyone was hitting the christian cross every other hymn line. Particularly one middle eastern gentleman in front hit it thrice, as if his game character was caught on a trapped key press. At this moment, I was having serious doubts about the hygiene and legitimacy of the distributed 'holy-water'. It also dawned on me how peculiar-looking a lot of the church-goers were. An asian lady in the row behind had a fully shaved head. Multiple individuals with long neckbeards stood in and amongst the bench sidelines. I caught one young man in the front row singing prayer verses from memory. Needless to say he resembeled the archetype of unwashed 'I know my bible verses' university virgin. Perhaps I am being too harsh. It is hard to be non-judgemental in moments of forced order. Swiftly after the madness, with more up down criss cross, round two began.
This involved the church lining up and kissing a pane of glass. Yes, the SAME pane. The women in red cloaks were called down once again, only this time seven females appearing alongside three trailing males. Our friend from earlier seemed to be fully immersed in the spectacle. The musical chairs resumed, up and down, criss cross, this time we were all on our knees praying. God loving was getting serious. I took this oppurtunity to take the piss out of 세진 saying 'here we have it, a man of science!'. Maybe I killed his vibe, but it was my way of holding it together amongst this odd ceremony. After singing and criss crossing for fifteen minutes began round three. The women in red cloaks returned, with priest and posse handing everyone a piece of what appeared to be shortbread. We all hit the criss cross once more, watching everyone line up arms in coffin orientation whilst me and 세진 stayed glued to our seats. By this point me and 세진 decided it would be best to leave. "I think we should bounce", I explain as we made way for the door to avoid our hairline-less friend taking us to lunch. Free from the closing ritual, our orthodox experience concluded after the longest one hour thiry of my life.
I had to wait until I left the premises till I could say the words. As my footsteps echoed down to the bottom of the hill, I preached to the world "What a load of bollocks!". It left my mouth as if god had planned it. Following the conversation afterward, 세진 admitted that this was a step too far, even for him. During the service I witnessed him 'trying to get into it' and he mentioned he was giving it his all. Sadly, or perhaps fortunately, his scientific mind outruled any remnant belief in Christianity. I was expecting 세진's grand conversion moment and awaited a long debate afterwards but it seems god didn't want that for either of us. The logical conclusion following all of this, is that religion is clearly not compatible for fact-minded scientific youngsters like us. I am sure at least some of the religious weirdos we met today are positive and well-meaning individuals. But throughout the whole service, all I was thinking was 'how can anyone in their right mind believe in all this madness'. It was simply, absurd. I have been a supportive friend today and helped a scientist (with his own lab) confirm that religion is indeed not the conclusion to the hypothesis of life. Still unchanged in my atheism, I have no regrets about trying the church. Perhaps I ought to experience the Raellian meetup next week. As for my friend, I hope he will look back laughing this adventure, using it as experiential data to add to our experiment of living with the absurdity.