2025-05-08
That's it. I've had it. I tried to tell myself the story that I 'should'... pursue that double major in computer engineering! Study harder so I can increase my GPA! Write papers to apply to Oxford! Do it all to graduate from a nobody to a somebody with a monthly salary! I should. I should. I REALLY SHOULD! Only in the future will I finally be 'enough'. Score points in the game. Claim trophies in the afterlife. Suck up all the sweet validation to fuel my ego till I have love here, respect there and an avoidance of my finitude everywhere!
Enough I say!Awareness of this moment is all there is, all we are, for all the rest of time. The grand illusion is the self-story we partake in daily. The self denies this, as it attempts to uproot the bedrock of reality. Pry as it will, the foundation of truth ceases to be broken. We find ourselves striving, grasping at the ultimately ungraspable. Promising that upon arrival is where our deepest joys lie. Peace, the satiation of all desire. Love, the violent plea for approval. Grasp as we will, the impermanence of everything clouds reality. The self grasping at goals, ambitions, future outcomes is analogous to the hand grasping at water. No matter how hard the clench, one never 'has' it. Lest we accept our wholeness, the self will plead for survival. The self need not die, the self simply wants to be acknowledged. Peace as the awareness of desire. Love as the observation and acceptance of self. But wait! Perhaps when I finally have...
Enough I say! Enough.I am letting go of clinging to excellence, expectations, superiority, the way things are, the way things should be, the who I am, the who I think I am, the moment that makes it all worth it, the grind, the lack, the fear, the failure, the whole damn thing! Calmly, my grip is loosening. No longer shall I resist. Upon realizing everything I ever loved, will love, once knew, once was, am now, could have been, should have been, will crumble under the final pendulum swing as the grim reaper swipes his scythe. Every last atom in the cosmos returns to nothingness, 'god' checks out of his 9-5, and the final vibration rings. All for it to go BANG! Starting anew. The Jazz of life entering reboot. I realized the penultimate pointlessness of grasping. Grab grab grab, the water is still flowing. The dream, the game, the story is all illusory. A mere mental construct. Why hold on? Why live in delusion? The repetition of momentary awakening into deep living-slumber is all there is. It is time to let go. To wake up. Let this process be. Maybe after extensive meditation one really can reach enlightenment, perhaps it is possible to permanently wake up! What if I could be...
Enough I say! Enough! I already am.